Aftermath: a Delirium story
by sjung88
Summary: the walls have come down; Portland is changed; what happens to Lena, Alex, Julian, Raven, and all the others? This is the aftermath I do not own any of these characters, all belong to the amazing Lauren Oliver
1. Chapter 1

AFTERMATH: a Delirium story

CH. 1

_The past is dead. _I repeat Raven's mantra in my head over and over again, willing it to be true. But it's not. My past has followed me and haunted me for the past eight months, eating away at me from the inside. I left Portland, crossed over into the Wilds, thinking it would be different and that I would never go back. But here we are; in Portland, with everything from my past clinging to me and mingled together with the new present. My mother, Annabel; Grace, oh little Gracie; Hana, somewhere out there in the chaos; and Alex. _My _Alex, still waiting for me near the crumbled ruins of the torn down wall.

It's evening now. Night was fallen upon us softly and it is strangely silent, considering the day's events. I'm still reeling over everything that happened. The torn down walls. The city of Portland without leadership, a murdered mayor, and citizens terrified without the protection of the wall and Invalids lurking around. Hana's betrayal and sudden help sends mingled feelings throughout my body. I don't dwell over the fact that, if she hadn't told on me so long ago, things would have been different. I can't change the past. I can only move forward.

I am happy though, oddly enough. My mother is here with me. My own mother. Little Gracie, too, who is thin and dirty but full of fire and fight; she is my brave resister, and always has been. Right now, I pull a soft blanket over her sleeping form by the campfire. What's left of our little group from the Wilds has banded together once again, on the other side of the crumbled wall in the fringes of the trees. We don't feel comfortable in the city riddled by scared citizens and random Invalids. Together, we are our small family.

But an estranged one. Raven is alive; she is sitting with Tack, her face pale and her lips pressed into a hard line. She was shot straight through her left shoulder, the bullet slicing through her flesh like it was nothing. Now, she is bandaged and cleaned up with her arm in a sling. Despite the day's victory, she looks like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Across from me sits Julian. It kills me inside; I have barely acknowledged him after the initial tearing down of the walls. It was easier, when we were in the thick of it and I knew he was alright and Alex was standing before me telling me he wasn't going to let me go again. I dig my nails into the palms of my hand. Alex isn't back yet. Alex hasn't come back yet. He told the group he was going to find supplies in Portland for us and he hasn't come back yet. I clench my fists harder. _You promised. _

He promised he wouldn't let me go again. I glance at Julian and something hitches in my chest. And despite that, I still think, _Please, keep your promise. _


	2. Chapter 2

CH. 2

I dream of Portland again tonight. I dream that I'm walking through all of its familiar streets; my old school, the Governor, the old routes that Hana and I used to run. I dream of my first evaluation and the cows running and Alex laughing above me, his head a crown of auburn.

I dream of crossing the fence and of fire and lights and blood. I jolt awake and I am suddenly hot and cold and sweaty and shivery, all at once. I unzip the tent that Grace and I are sharing. Stepping outside, I throw on an old sweatshirt and walk past the burnt out campfire. There are other camps surrounding us nearby. It's like Portland is frozen in time and doesn't know what to do. There are Invalids inside and outside of Portland. Citizens have either fled or are hidden in their homes. Everyone was surprised that the regulators or the DFA or government officials didn't come swarming in the moment the wall was torn down. Apparently, this is happening everywhere. A few old allies of Raven and Tack's gave news that up north there was action on the border between Canada and the US, and that we had made an unlikely ally from them. Sympathizers.

The word used to scare me, terrify me even. But it's who I am, who I've always been, and who I always will be. I will fight for the freedom to love, for the freedom to choose, as long as I can breathe. I think of everything we have gained and lost. Has it been worth it?

There's a rustling behind me and I see Raven emerge from the shadows. The white streak in her hair glows in the faint moonlight. I give her a brief nod as she comes to stand beside me.

"Can't sleep. My god damn shoulder," is all she says. She flicks some hair out of her face, her lips still pressed into that hard line. She suddenly looks eons older.

A moment passes. And then I say, "I still can't believe we did it. After...just after everything, we did it. Well, not completely yet. But we're getting there." I hug myself tight. "We've come so far."

Raven snorts, and for a moment she almost sounds like her old self. "We're far from winning, but you gotta start somewhere." Out of nowhere, she smiles. "Doesn't mean I'm not in charge anymore. Still gotta do what I say."

I laugh. "Yeah, okay there. Because that's worked so well these past few weeks? It's like everyone had to butt heads over _everything." _

"As long as I'm here, what Raven says goes." She laughs again for a moment. "God, I remember finding you in that forest, half dead and all banged up. Now look at us, sitting outside your old home, contemplating what the hell we're gonna do next."

I don't say anything; I just shake my head in wonder. I hear another rustle and I turn to look. I suck in a hard breath. It's Julian, making his way through the trees, probably to go to the bathroom. He doesn't acknowledge us but he knows we're here. I can feel Raven's eyes on me and my cheeks grow hot and uncomfortable.

"Well," she says, "looks like we have a lot of things to still take care of. Night, Lena. Get some sleep."

My voice comes out uneven, because I understand the meaning behind her words. "Speak for yourself. Goodnight." She hardly makes a noise as she stomps away into the dark.

A few minutes later Julian re-emerges from the trees. Awkwardly we make eye contact, and for a moment he starts to walk away, but stops. I bite my tongue as he starts to walk towards me.

"Can't sleep," is all I can lamely say. I immediately think back to that first conversation alone with Alex after he returned; I said those exact words. I hurriedly add on, "Too worried."

_About Alex, _his eyes seem to say, but he just nods, pretending to understand. There are a few more moments of silence, and then, "Lena."

I look away, closing my eyes and hugging myself even tighter. I don't know what to say, or even what I want. And then I remember, _this is what we're fighting for. _The freedom to choose. Even to choose the wrong thing. _You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes. _I want to cry, embarrassingly enough, but I don't.

"Lena," he repeats, stepping closer. I want to will him away, because if he gets any closer I feel like I will come undone.

I turn to face him. "Please, Julian. I can't. Not now. I just..." My hands fall lamely to my sides and I feel like a child. "I just can't." I want to tell him I'm sorry, that I do..._did..._love him back. That I'm sorry for the broken promises. That our kisses and words exchanged meant something. I take a breath and try, saying, "You have to know. You have to know that I-"

"Lena," he says one more time, fiercely, taking me by the shoulders the same way Alex did. "I know. I know, this is hard. I'm starting to understand that. Do you get it?" His voice grows softer. "This, all of this, I'm not used to it; I never knew what it would be like. And it hurts. But I'm starting to understand, or at least trying to. It's one of the most complicated things I have ever felt, and I know why you are fighting for it so much."

There it is, that ache that starts in my throat and results in a stupid tear rolling down my face. I let Julian wipe it away and he moves closer. "You showed me, Lena. And I wanted to know, to know all of it, with you. But I can see it's more complicated than that." He stops for a second, and then continues. "I know what I was getting into when I left with you, Lena. And I just want to let you know that I'm thankful. And grateful. For everything. Everything you have shown me, for bringing me into your world."

The fact that he is so understand just unhinges everything inside of me. Before I know what I'm doing, I'm stepping away and he's saying, "Lena?" and I'm crying, sobbing almost, saying I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry over and over again.

I turn away, leaving him standing there in the trees.


	3. Chapter 3

CH. 3

I wake up the next morning feel as if someone punched me in the face. My eyes are caked shut from all that (stupid) crying and my nose is stuffed and my hair is everywhere and frankly I don't care. I almost do, when Grace asks me why I look like I have been rolling in dirt. I shrug it off and leave the tent, walking towards the nearby stream. I quickly strip down and emerge myself for a moment, letting the icy water wash over me. Then I hop out and shrug on some jeans and an old hoodie.

Our camp is bustling with life this morning. Hunter and Bram are getting food ready by the fires. Tack is talking to a group of others, clearly trying to decide what to do next. Oddly enough, I smile. Here we are, right outside a city with electricity and plumbing and shelter, and we're sleeping in tents and bathing in streams and eating over campfires. I love it. It feels like home now.

I tentatively walk over to where Raven is sitting with my mother, once called Annabel and now known as Bee. They're with the people I found Bee with in the forest, and I suddenly feel incredibly young. Raven ruffles my wet hair and smiles at me. Bee just smiles. It's odd, having Raven do something that a mother normally would.

"Morning, kiddo," she says. "You look better."

"Yeah, well, I think I washed off like five layers of dirt. What's going on?"

Bee crosses her arms, her eyebrows deeply furrowed. "You've heard of the news about what's happening at the border, I assume? My group and I are thinking about splitting off for a while and heading up there, where help seems to be needed the most." She notices me looking away and adds, "But we'll keep in contact, as much as we can. Plus, this will be useful to you guys. We can head out up there and tell you what's going on."

Raven nods. "Yeah. Tack's still talking to the others about what we're gonna do. Honestly we've been hearing snippets of stuff on the radios all morning now. Portland's fall is one of the better success stories. Other places don't have it so lucky, like New York for one. I guess that's why we've been ignored by the Zombies for so long here. But I don't want to stick around for too long."

"It's like we just don't matter," I say.

"Oh we matter all right," Raven says. "We've started something, Lena. It's not just a resistance anymore. This is war. It's a full on revolution."

So it's been decided. Bee and her group are moving up north to the border between Canada and the US. A few others are heading off to do things of their own, seeing where they can be useful or to find somewhere to start fresh. I know I don't have much longer here in Portland. I can sense Tack and Raven's urge to keep moving. So, I decide I'm going to go back into the city on my own. There are things I need to see, things I need to know. Thoughts of Alex flutter through my head. _He's in there, _I think. _I will find him. _I need to speak to him alone before he comes back to camp. And there are other things I need to take care of before we leave.

Grace is angry. "Take me with you, _please." _Her face is red and all ballooned, her arms crossed. This is a full on tantrum.

"Gracie, stop, please." I shove two water bottles and some granola bars into the old backpack on my lap. "This isn't some game, okay? You could get hurt really easily. You're my responsibility now. You're my family." I go to ruffle her hair but she jerks away. I frown. "Be a grumpy pants all you want, but I'm going now okay? I'll be back by evening. Make sure you don't cause trouble and you stick close to Raven or Bee or Coral."

Before, Coral's name would put a bad taste in my mouth and cause me an unreasonable amount of anger. Now, it's different; I admire her. We are friends, almost. Another unlikely ally.

Grace doesn't say anything; she just stares at me lividly. But before I go she lunges forward and quickly embraces me into a tight hug. I smile, hugging her back and kissing her head. "I'll be back soon, Gracie. I love you." She mumbles it back before letting go, and I leave the tent and shrug the backpack over my shoulders.

Everyone is busy; some are washing clothes nearby, others eating, the rest talking plans with Tack or Raven or Bee. I can feel the unease and tension in the air. I notice Julian sitting with Hunter and Coral and a few others our age. Hunter and Coral give me a friendly wave and smile, but Julian's blue eyes remain dark as he watches me go. I look away, biting back the stinging in my throat. I trudge forward.

I can't help but feel that I've lost something, something extremely important. There's an entire new hole torn in my chest. _You chose this, _I remind myself. Nothing comes without a cost.

_Loving someone is never time wasted. _Bee told me this, just the other night after the walls came down. We were talking about my father and how, even though he was cured, she loved him. I bite down another sob. The new Lena isn't a baby anymore.

Right now, I don't know where I will go first. I want to see Fred Hargrove's house; well, the remains of it. I have no desire to find Aunt Carol or my Uncle William, or even Jenny, really. I suddenly feel guilty. If I find Jenny, I will try to help her. I also want to see 37 Brooks. I want to see Back Cove. I want to see the store I worked for so long in, unpacking food and ringing in customers. I want to run the route that Hana and I ran. I want to see her house. And my house. I'm suddenly overwhelmed and I force myself to breathe slowly, drinking in the familiar scent of the ocean nearby. In town, it's eerily silent for the middle of the day. The sound of my boots crunching on the ground seems too loud. I can feel the presence of the people in their homes, their windows boarded up and their blinds drawn. I can imagine them saying, "Shhh, shhh, they'll all be gone soon. They'll be blitzed, just like before."

I want to scream at them.

Now and then I come across an Invalid or two. They're usually walking in small groups or lurking through stores for supplies. Some hang around talking. They'll give me a nod in my direction now and then, and I suddenly wonder what happened to all the officials and regulators. I don't think I want to know. I'll see an odd blood stain on the ground or on a building now and then. It makes me feel queasy.

I take my sweet time, walking to Back Cove, breathing in Portland for probably the last time. It takes a little over an hour and I'm slightly breathless as I approach the spot where Alex and Hana and I once stood a lifetime ago. I crouch down, watching the waves roll in and listen to the seagulls, the only other sound in this place.

I nearly jump out of my skin when I feel someone's breath tickle my ear and whisper the word, "Gray."


	4. Chapter 4

CH. 4

_Gray. _That single word sends such a strong rush of emotions and memories through me that my feet nearly give away. Gray. Something a lifetime ago.

Alex and I don't say anything. We stand like that for a few minutes, him behind me just close enough so that I can feel the warmth of his body next to mine. I want so badly to lean back, to close that tiny gap between us, but I don't. Once again, I'm frozen; I don't know what to say or do.

I have come to the conclusion I am no good at this love thing.

Yet Alex is. He gently puts his hand on my arm and nudges me so that I turn to face him. This is Alex, my Alex. Auburn crown. Dark brown eyes. Caring. Loving. Cold. Bitter. Tough. Sweet. He never gave up. The Story of Solomon flutters through my mind.

Somehow I find my voice. "When I read that note, when I thought you had left us for good, I didn't know what to do. I felt lost. Stupid. Panicked, like I couldn't do anything. All I could think was how I was too late, how it would be too late to find you and make...and make it right." I have to pause for a second. _God, Lena, don't cry. _"I wanted to make it right, at the wall, but it was...chaotic. Everything was just happening at once. But I'm sure now."

He opens his mouth to speak but I can't seem to stop. "I'm _sure _now," I babble on frantically. "God, Alex, when I saw you with Coral, when I thought everything between us was gone or over or a lie and I saw you with her, I couldn't stand it. Now I realize what you must have thought and felt when...when you know. It killed inside. And then when you left me that note and you were suddenly _gone _and then you weren't, you were at the wall, and you said you still loved me I-I just...I just-"

"Lena," Alex says fiercely. "I know. I love you. Okay? I _love _you. I've meant it since I told you that day in the alley. I've meant it every time in between. I've meant it while lying there near death in the Crypts. I meant it even when you were with him, when I was with Coral, and when I left you. I was stupid, Lena. I was stupid. I meant what I said at the wall. I'm not going to let you go, and I'm not going to run away again."

I'm silently crying. Not sobbing. Not shuddering. Just a few tears streaking down my face. He uses his thumbs to wipe them away and keeps talking. "This, this right here is what we used to talk about in 37 Brooks, when we went to the Wilds and were in my trailer and I was reading you poetry. This is what we've always wanted. It's been hard. Really, really hard. And it's going to be for a while. But we can do it, Magdalena." He smiles that lopsided grin and speaks even softer. "Coral is not you. She was never you. She was a friend, Lena. Just someone who I liked and who liked me back, like any other person in the group. I was never trying to replace you. That would be impossible."

Something like relief unhinges inside of me and I feel myself loosening up. I feel myself becoming the old Lena, the one who loves gray and photography and Alex Sheathes with all her heart. I lean forward slightly so that his chin rests against my forehead. This is how it was meant to be between us, after the Wilds. There was never supposed to be all the bitterness, all the coldness and harshness and hate.

"This is how it should be," I say quietly. We are hardly touching, but somehow it's more intimate than anything I have ever experienced. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sorry for everything." My voice breaks at the end.

"I'm sorry too," he says. He slowly places a hand on my head, leaving it there gently. "I didn't...I said a lot of things I didn't mean, Lena. But what you said at the wall is true; we've both changed. We've grown. We're not who we used to be. Not completely. But you're still Lena Haloway and I'm still Alex Sheathes and I still love you."

"I love you back." I have to breathe slowly or else it feels like I will explode. Somehow this feels surreal, like the regulators will swarm upon us any second and take it all away. But no one does. I see Julian's blue eyes in my mind for a second. I think of our first kiss in that safe house and I painfully push it away. No choice comes without consequences. Yet this one, this feels right.

And like we did at the wall, Alex takes my chin in his hand and tilts my face upwards so that our lips meet, softly. This isn't like our fierce stolen kisses, when we always wondered how much time we would have. This is slow and gentle and different; a kiss like we have all the time in the world. I feel that hole in my chest start to heal.

We break apart and suddenly I can't stop talking again. I keep telling him I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the Crypts and what happened. Sorry seems to be all I can say lately. "I'm sorry for giving up so easily, as if there was – god, I was so stupid. Alex, I just-"

"Stop it. Lena, stop." He places both of his hands on my shoulders and looks at me straight in the eyes. "Stop, Lena. It will take time, alright? Everything is going to take time. But we start by forgiving ourselves and each other and moving forward."

I sigh and lean forward into him again. We are silent for a few more moments. And then I say, "We didn't have much time before. Everything was so...rushed. I want to get to know you, Alex, _really _get to know you. The real you and all of you. And I want you to know me, too." I feel nervous and uneasy now. "I don't...I don't know if you will ever tell me what happened in the Crypts. And I understand, okay. I understand..." I trail off because I don't know what else to say right now. I slowly lean my face into his shoulder and I feel him wrap his arms around me.

This is what it should be like; to be able to embrace and love freely without fear. This is what we are fighting for. I remember the sock hops I would have with my mother and Rachel and I think of all the times she wanted to show us how much she loved us, but couldn't. We are fighting for that too. For all of it. For love.

Thinking of the sock hop makes me wonder what has happened to the rest of my family. Where is Rachel? Where is _anyone? _Portland is a silent mess; no one dares to venture out in the day right now except for the Invalids. There is still smoke from the various fires and everything is wrecked from the fights. I pull away from Alex and turn away from Back Cove to stare at what was once my home. All I see is something broken. But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed.

I gently squeeze Alex's hand. "What do we do now?"

Alex runs his fingers through his hair, looking at our city. He exhales slowly but grins ever so slightly. "We go where Raven and Tack go," he says, knowing that would be my choice too. He tightens his grip on my hand. "I'm going where you go." His eyes find their way to mine again; it's incredible.

I suddenly feel small, like everything is about to slip away. "I need to see what happened to my sister." _And Hana. _I remember Alex still doesn't know about what she did.

"Come on." Alex pulls me forward, understanding that we don't have much time. "I grabbed as much supplies as I could for everyone. I left it...I left it in 37 Brooks. We'll get it after."

I nod. "Alright. Let's go."

And I run back into Portland for what feels like the last time.


	5. Chapter 5

CH. 5

**Thank you so much for the kind reviews!**

I never find Rachel. I don't know if I'm upset, disappointed, or slightly relieved. I just know that I feel a strange hollowness inside of me. I'm the one that tells Alex we need to stop looking, that it's getting too late and that we need to get back. I don't say anything else. I just stop and stand in the middle of the street where my old house used to be, completely silent.

Alex doesn't quite know what to do. He walks up to me and draws me closer, trying to be comforting. I am grateful but I almost feel uneasy. We are cautious with each other, trying to get back on the same ground we were before. It's different now, somehow, and I desperately hope it won't always be this way. But despite that, I lean back into him, grateful for his presence and reassurance. I still find it hard to believe that he is here with me after everything we have been through.

I silently vow to never, ever, take him for granted.

_I love you, _I think, but I don't say it out loud. I'm almost too scared.

After a few more minutes of silence Alex gently nudges me. "Come on," he says softly. "It's time to go." He pauses for a second, and then leans forward and almost nuzzles my ear with his nose. The gesture sends a million things fluttering through me, taking me back to our stolen moments before I crossed. My stomach does flip flops.

I nod. "Okay," I say quietly. "Okay." I fold my arms around my chest and force myself to stomp away from the house. The new Lena is good at this. She has learned to shut off her emotions when she needs to, has learned how to hide what she is really feeling so that she doesn't appear incompetent or weak. But then I remember that it is Alex I am with, and that I don't need all of that defense around him. Yet despite that, I still clam up.

He can tell. "I'm sorry, Lena," he says, falling into step beside me. He tries to smile. "At least we tried. Besides, last time I heard she was trying to drug you before I came to your rescue."

It's the first time he's spoken about our crossing. The memory, along with that of Rachel betraying me, stings and brings an unpleasant shiver down my spine. I suddenly think of the Crypts and everything Alex went through and I am cold inside.

"I don't want to think about that anymore," I say. "The past is dead." Raven's mantra.

Despite my cold words Alex looks at me with warmth. "Not all of it, Lena."

I let myself smile, feeling the dark parts of me lighting up, the old Lena from 37 Brooks shining through. I nudge him. "And I'm glad. Really, really glad."

And then I am amazed. Really, truly amazed. Alex is here with me. Living, breathing Alex. He did not die at our crossing. He came back for me. And even though I was with Julian, he loved me and left to try and still make me happy. But now here he is, in the flesh, walking beside me and living out what we planned all along. I could cry.

Instead, I look at him and clutch his hand tightly. "That's an understatement. A truly mega understatement." I clench his hand harder. My throat tightens and it shows in my voice. "I don't...I don't know how to make...to make everything _up _to you, to be able to show you how I feel and what you _mean _to me. I love you, Alex Sheathes."

_Remember, they cannot take it. _

I stop and lean in to him, the way I so desperately wanted to at the wall, the way I wanted to when he first showed up after the crossing. "I love you. I want to lie under the stars with you again and have you fearlessly read poetry with me. You promised, you promised we would do fairytales. And I want to love you the way you love me. After everything."

Alex leans forward so that his chin is resting on my head for a moment. "I know, Lena, I know. And it will happen. I promise." I hear that fierceness in his voice, the same kind of tone that he would take when he used to tell me about the Wilds from Before. "You need to stop worrying. I know how you feel. It will take time, you have to realize that. But it will happen. I meant what I said. I'm not letting you go again." I feel him smile, and he says, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

And I suddenly feel that things will truly be okay.

When we return, it's as if we had never made camp outside of Portland's crumbled walls. Tack is not happy. He goes on and on about how something could have happened to us considering what state the city is in, and how they would have had to leave etcetera etcetera etcetera... Raven shushes him and kindly tells us to pack up. It's not like her, so I don't say anything. She just walks away and Tack watches her go in surprise.

"Just don't be stupid," he tells us, and then storms after her.

Bee comes up to Alex and I. When she notices how Alex and I are standing, I can see the questions burning in her eyes, considering that weeks ago it was Julian I was standing with. I don't say anything, and neither does she. All she asks is, "Did you find...?"

I knew that she thought I was looking for Rachel. All I can do is shake my head slowly, feeling that hollowness again. Bee purses her lips. I wonder, for a moment, if Rachel even matters to my mother, considering Rachel became one of the Zombies. I quickly cast that cruel thought away, feeling guilty. My mother loved us. She still does. I suddenly feel beyond tired. I can see the beginnings of the sunset in the distance. I didn't find Hana either. I tell myself to remember to tell Alex about what happened; he would want to know.

Bee shuffles a little, shifting her position. "I won't be leaving with you all tonight."

She gives me a moment to let this sink in. I knew it was coming; I was prepared. Still, it doesn't hurt any less. I feel like I am losing her all over again.

Alex coughs. "I'll go pack up our things." He clenches my hand one last time and heads off, nodding to Bee as he leaves. I'm cold again.

Bee comes closer. "Lena...Magdalena. Look at me."

I do. I look up and I feel six years old again. "Mom..."

"That boy." She nods in Alex's direction. "You look at him differently than the other. I know I've missed out on so much of your life, missed out on things I couldn't possibly try and make up. But I made a promise; a promise to know you now. I never asked before, never asked about what happened to make you end up where I am."

I open up to her. "Him. Alex Sheathes." I am flooded with memories. "I met him my evaluation day. You have to understand, I was just like everyone else out there. Like the Zombies. I read the _Book of Shhh, _I got good grades, I looked forward to my cure. But he is the reason I crossed. You have to know; he is the reason I am fighting." I stop. That's not entirely true. "And you. And Gracie. And everyone else who just wants the freedom to love like Alex and I, like Raven and Tack, like Hunter and Bram and for parents to have sock hops with their kids and hug them in public-"

I break off, feeling a sob working its way up. I force it down, looking at my mother again. "I understand you have to go, Mom. I don't hate you. I never hated you. Even after all of this."

She breaks the awkwardness and embraces me tightly. I refuse to cry, but I hug her back as hard as humanly possible. I don't know when I will see her again so I cling on, breathing in her scent and memorizing the feeling of her arms around me. She is alive and she is here; another thing I never thought would be possible.

"I will see you again, Magdalena. That is a promise." She steps back, looking me in the eye. "You are my daughter, you are your father's daughter; you are brave and strong and I will see you again. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom, I love you too."

_Remember, they cannot take it. _


	6. Chapter 6

CH. 6

**Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews! They mean so much to me. Sorry for taking so long to do a new chapter, just started school again. But here you go! **

I try to push away at the emptiness that has formed after my mother's departure with her group a few days ago. Over the past few weeks I have grown so used to her presence, and now I'm losing her all over again.

_Stop it. _I force myself to begin packing up my things, focusing on Alex's reassuring presence beside me. He understands me. Even when we're not speaking, he knows. He shuffles and repositions himself so that his arm is touching mine as we crouch.

Raven is anxious. She has become a flurry of rapidly changing emotions. She is angry, then she is so happy it's like she has gone crazy, and then the next moment she will be sulking off in a corner, refusing to speak to anyone. This isn't like her. And, even though she never mentions it, she is a lot hungrier than anyone else. I see the way she looks at our rations like a starved animal. I'm worried about her, but she won't let anyone in, not even Tack. Something hitches in my chest as I desperately wish she had Blue here for her.

Raven walks over and angrily barks an order. "Get moving already! In case you haven't noticed this place is a walking shitstorm. Regulators or the government could be here anytime and we're basically sitting ducks."

Alex calmly keeps on packing as he replies, not looking up. "We know, Raven, we're going fast. Besides, if the government cared about this tiny seaside town they would have already rushed here to shut everything down."

I quickly jump in. "You also heard what my mother and the others said. This sort of thing is happening everywhere. We're not exactly number one on their priority list right now."

Raven spits by my shoe, wiping her mouth and looking away. "I don't care. I'm not letting us all get slaughtered here. We leave in twenty." With that, she walks away and begins barking orders at poor Hunter and Bram and Coral.

Alex and I roll our eyes, and I feel a pang of gratefulness. I stop packing to clutch his arm for a moment. He understands. He leans forward so that his lips press against my forehead, and we stay there like that for another moment. We made it; I still don't fully understand how, but we have found each other and made it.

I suddenly stiffen. I see Gracie nearby talking to Julian, who is situated at a reasonable amount of space away from Alex and I across the field. He is a dark cloud lately. He hovers and broods and listens, but never talks. He just obeys orders and then slinks off into the darkness to help with whatever he can. I swallow, even though it's more of a gulp.

_My fault my fault my fault, _I think. I try and push away the guilt; I did what I thought was best for me. That can't be selfish, can it? It's my life, my future, something that I want for me. We fought for this, together, Alex and I. I start to push again, pushing away the thoughts and remnants of Julian and I, the same way I did for Alex. Except I'm locking this one away, pushing it as far as it can go. He will be someone else's, and they will make him happier than I could ever make him.

Gracie is pestering him, unaware of his growing annoyance and disinterest. But his kind nature keeps him from being too sharp. We need to get a move on. With a sigh, I stand up and start to walk towards them before I can stop myself. I don't look back to see Alex's expression.

"Gracie, stop bugging Julian." His name, saying it out loud, it feels strange. "Are you finished? You can come put your things over here beside mine."

"Okay!" She smiles at Julian and grabs her things, bouncing away with that childlike innocence I miss. I stand there, awkwardly, with my arms crossed. Even after all the time in the Wilds, I'm not fully used to being looked at the way Julian is looking at me. Things were simple before I crossed; now, sometimes I hardly know what to do.

_Freedom; this is called freedom. _

"Are you...do you need any help?" My voice is too high.

Julian shakes his head. "No. I'm fine, thank you."

"Okay." Silence. I can't help but make eye contact with him. I look away quickly. "Okay, well...okay. Yeah. See you." I curse myself over and over in my head as I begin walking away.

"Lena." The way he says my name makes me feel like he physically reached out to touch me. I spin around, and he is staring at me with dark eyes.

"Julian..."

"I knew," he says quietly. "As soon as he came back, I knew what was going to happen, which way it was going to go. There was that time, when he left, that I thought _maybe _it could be alright, but I still knew. It was never going to be me." He smiles a feeble lopsided grin and my heart flip flops. No one ever prepared me for this. Or him. Heartbreak is still so new to us. We are so fragile, yet so tough at the same time. I still don't know which one I lean towards more.

"I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say. "I cant...I'm sorry." I shake my head, and finally my voice levels. "We can't control what we feel, and for that I really, truly am sorry, Julian. You are amazing. I say this with one hundred percent honesty. You are amazing and you belong here. You will find someone, I know you will, and together you will get lost in the deliria. I just...I'm sorry it couldn't be me." I grow quieter at the end, and I swear the silence stretches on forever.

Julian looks unsure of himself. Then he takes one, two, three steps forward until he's right in front of me. I freeze; his raises his hands, and then drops them again. He doesn't touch me, but he's close enough so that I can feel his breath when he talks.

"Thank you for showing me," he says softly. "You've done more for me than you could ever truly understand." Then he breaks away and smiles, slightly forced, but he keeps on smiling. "Thank you, Lena." Then he goes back to packing, as if we never said anything at all.

Feeling slightly torn up, I walk back to where Grace stands beside Alex and all of our belongings. Seeing them together, my whole world in one place, I feel an expected burst of happiness. I feel the happiness for what we've gone through, for what Julian said, for everyone here together with us. I walk up to Alex and nuzzle my face right into his shoulder, and then I lean down to grab Grace's hand.

"Ready?" I ask.

Alex smiles at me, kissing my forehead again, and says, "Ready."


	7. Chapter 7

CH. 7

They come for us four days after we leave. It is not grand, like before. There are no burning, blazing fires or helicopters or bombs and gas. It is a silent kind of chaos, the worst kind, the one that sneaks up on you without any warning.

The insect men are upon us again, and there's nothing we can do.

At first everything is quiet; Raven is moving slower than usual. Her face is hard and determined and her arms are perpetually wrapped around her stomach. I'm worried for her, but since it's Raven, she doesn't let anybody but herself (and sometimes Tack) take care of her. Our group is smaller now. Some people, ones we didn't know too well, left in search of their own futures. But the familiars stick together. We've spent almost an entire year trekking through the Wilds together, and after the victory of Portland and the victories in other cities across the US, we don't plan on abandoning one another. I push away thoughts of Annabel once again and focus on the people ahead of us. Pippa, Bram, Hunter, Raven, Tack, Julian, Coral, Alex, Grace, and all the rest.

My family now.

It is too quiet and I hate it. There's a strange tension in the air, but I suspect it's because of the unknown ahead of us. We still have to worry about the government and the regulators left, but it's different; we have tipped the scale, and a revolution is in full force. Yet right now, I'm tired of fighting and running and being scared and bathing in rivers. I feel guilty, because I know some people have lived their entire lives in the Wilds, but I can't help it. I want the safety and comfort of a home, one where I can wake up next to Alex and make breakfast for Gracie and have sock hops with her.

And then, my world shatters again. Bullets spray in all directions; I wouldn't have noticed except for the two bodies suddenly on the ground. I don't scream; this is nothing new to me. But the shock courses through my body nonetheless and almost freezes my limbs. Gracie screams and runs and I snap out of it and run after her.

"Lena! Lena!" Alex's voice follows me as I dart after Grace. I grab her and shove her to the ground, crawling desperately for shelter under some brush. Alex Alex Alex where is Alex? I will not lose him again, no no no never again. And Raven and everyone else and no no no.

I must protect Gracie though. "Stay, do not move. Do you understand me? Do not move." Her face stares up at me, blank. "Gracie. Do. Not. Move." I pull out the knife I keep in my boot and place it into her small hand. Immediately her hands curl around it. Good girl.

I stand up and look around me at the chaos. We have our guns aimed at the regulators and the regulators have their guns aimed at us. People are shouting, so much shouting. One of ours moves forward and a regulator shoots him, point blank. There's a muffled scream from Coral, who is backed against a tree with a female regulator holding a gun to her. Julian is standing with a rifle aimed at another; my heart thumps with relief at seeing him okay. But Alex, god dammit, where is he!?

"Lena," a voice says quietly to my right. I spin around and see him on the ground on his knees. There is blood trickling down his face and a regulator has his gun pressed against his head. There are no words for the horror I feel.

"What are you guys, the cleanup crew?" Raven sneers. Tack grips her arm firmly but she shoves him off; she is furious. "You have nothing better to do, so you come after a bunch of people trying to find a way to _live _and just pick us off?"

One regulator stares at her evenly through his helmet, his voice low and cold. "Our orders," is all he says.

"Your _orders?" _she snarls, stepping forward. "To go and murder innocent people? Have you nothing better or important to do? You have a severely fucked up nation right now, and you want to go shooting children and pregnant women?"

"You're pregnant?" Tack says quietly, shocked. My stomach drops at this revelation, so does everyone else's. I can see it in their faces. Even Stone Cold Regulator's icy facade seems to crack a bit. Desperation crawls through me. I need to end this.

You have to understand, there is nothing special about me. I'm just an in-between girl. But these people are my family and I will protect them, and I have no idea where this sudden boldness comes from.

"We'll drop our weapons and you drop yours. We just want to talk. Please." My voice doesn't falter, and I feel a small pang of pride. To start, I take out my other knife from around my waist and place it slowly on the ground.

"Why would we want to talk with you Uncureds?" one regulator growls.

"Because we're human," I snap back. "Cured or uncured, we're the same. We just want to live."

"Filth," another spits out quietly.

Stone Cold looks at me, and slowly lowers his weapon to the ground. Surprised, the other regulators proceed to do the same.

"So you do have a conscience." I smirk at them and cross my arms, trying to stop my hands from shaking. I don't want anyone to see. Raven is watching me closely.

Stone Cold stares at me. Coldly, of course. "Do you have any idea what is happening across this nation right now?"

"Not quite," Tack says slowly. "But we'd like to know. We...we came from the Portland area. None of you showed up around there after the general collapsing and tearing down of the walls. Why?"

"Because compared to places like New York and Chicago and Seattle, Portland has been nothing," the female regulator near Coral says. She steps forward, and I see Coral visibly relax. She walks right up to Tack. "There is chaos, everywhere. The DFA is gone; its leaders were completely taken out. The President has all but abandoned us and gone into hiding somewhere. We are in shambles. There are Cureds and Uncureds running rampant everywhere. It's impossible to keep track of everything."

And all of us, one by one, start to smile. It's infectious. After all these years, the fight, the cause, it is finally starting to matter. It is making a difference. I have only been here for a fraction of that time but I feel so much pride it's incredible.

There's a burst of noise and one regulator is suddenly punching Hunter in the face.

Before any of us can run to help him, Stone Cold barks, "Stop!" The other regulator reluctantly backs off, saying _filth _under his breath. Hunter coughs and wipes blood from his lip and stands up. Good for him. More pride swells within me.

Stone Cold points at all of us. "You. Where are you people going?"

All of us turn to look at Raven and she shrugs. "How the hell would I know? Even if we had plans, they just went to shit after what you told us. Nowhere sounds very inviting at the moment. You know, with the whole revolution and anarchy thing."

Stone Cold takes this in, his gaze not leaving hers. "Fine," he eventually says. "Fine. We never came across you here today, okay? Just go. We've got bigger things to take care of." He looks at the two bodies on the ground, just nameless victims of our group to him. He sighs heavily and turns to his group. "We're done here."

They all pick up their weapons, one by one, loosely pointing them at us again. I grab my knife from the ground and head straight to Alex, taking him in my arms and breathing in his scent. I start to wipe the blood from his face but he stops me and kisses my hands. He drags me towards Gracie and to where Raven is standing with everyone else, and we stand together once again. Two groups, facing off.

Stone Cold spits on the ground. We start turning to leave, and so does his group. We don't even have time to bury the bodies of the two victims. Somewhere near me, I hear a few quiet sobs that are quickly hushed. No one talks until we are far, far away from that place, until the regulators are left far behind.

I clutch Alex tightly, unwinding. "Alex," I wheeze. "I love you. God, I thought we were going to die. Again."

He smirks. "Yeah, that seems to happen to us a lot now, doesn't it?"

Something halfway between a sob and a laugh leaves me. "Yeah, yeah it does. It needs to stop. Like, now."

He kisses the side of my head. "You heard what they said. Everything is changing, Lena. We're going to have what we dreamed of."

I look at Julian and Coral and Raven (she's pregnant and I still can't get over it) and Tack ahead of me. "Yeah. Yeah, we will."

Our revolution has just begun.


End file.
